Seek Real Love

Dr. Dorothy Tennov who is a psychologist, conducted long range study on the life span of the "in love" experience. What she found is that on average the fun little love bubble usually will last 2 years. We have been led to believe that is we are REALLY in love with someone, it will last forever. This is not the case I have come to find out.

As many of you probably don't know, I have been married before. I was a 17 year old, pregnant momma and we decided that marriage before our daughter came would make everything work out amazingly and we would live happily ever after. That first few months everything seemed perfect. New mom and dad raising our newborn in a different city with no one to try and tell us how to parent the "right" way. I loved him, he loved me, we both loved our daughter, everything was perfect.

What I came to find out within that time frame was that just because we were married didn't mean that we were going to have a happily ever after especially as he started drinking more.

The funny thing, though it seemed liked he was drinking "more" I look back now and realize that because I was in the love bubble, I never really allowed myself to open my eyes and see that this drinking habit hadn't actually increased, really, it was always there but I had failed to notice it. Long story short, we separated before our daughter was one years old.

For a few years after our separation and then finally our divorce, I turned into a, shall we say, wild child. I was hell bent on being independent, I didn't need a man in my life, I could take care of my daughter and myself just fine.

I started talking to someone that I went to high school with. The funny thing about this little "love story" is that in high school we rarely ever talked and he was the hard working sleep in the classroom farmer boy and I was somewhat of a geek. We fell in love and three months later he proposed to me.

Five months later we got married. Everyone thought we were crazy, thought there was NO WAY we would last past 1 year. We have been married now for almost five years.

To say that we have a perfect marraige would be far from the truth. We struggle with communication and right after getting married we became pregnant with our son, Gunner. Our first year of marriage was ROUGH! With pregnancy hormones in full swing we were starting off super rocky. On multiple occasions we had to call him mom over to be a mediator for us because I would be bawling that he was never home and never wanted to spend time with me and he would be upset that the house was a disaster all the time.

We got through it still and after the pregnancy hormones subsided things got better.

The second pregnancy was way better because I knew how to hide the crazy more.

Let's fast forward to now, that man drives me absolutely bonkers! From throwing his dirty clothes NEXT TO the hamper to always having to shit the minute I ask for help with something to procrastinating on my "to do list". I seriously feel like I could strangle him.

Besides these things the biggest thing for me is that I feel like we never get to spend time with each other. He is working on the farm and providing for our family so I can hardly be upset at him for that because he is a very hardworker. But for real, am I the only one who feels like hunting season is EVERY SINGLE DAY? Then when its not hunting season he has to go ice fishing or now the newest thing is poker with the boys. On top of that he is a volunteer firefighter so that makes him even more busy.

I run an at home daycare and wake up at 5:30am almost every morning because its my only chance in the day to get some ME time in. At the end of the day after taking care of kids all day and trying to keep up with house work as well i get exhausted and so wishing for help with the house and kids at the end of the day doesn't seem like too much to ask for right?

So I know for myself I feel like I have fallen out of love with him. Like I love him very much and I am o so very grateful for such an amazing father to our kids and he does try to show me how much he loves me but that "love bubble" is gone. One of my goals for this year I wrote down in my passion planner, to fall back in love with my husband. I struggled to understand why after only 4 years of marriage I feel like this. So this past weekend I am getting ready to check out at hobby lobby and I see the book called "5 Love Languages. The secret to a love that lasts" and I remember going to a team meeting and having someone tell me how amazing that book was. I bought the book and here is what I have learned so far.

The average "in love" stage lasts 2 years. After you leave that "in love" stage you must choose to pursue the "real love" stage. In order to do this you need to understand the 5 very important love languages.

1. Words of Affirmation

2.Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts Of Service

5. Physical Touch

Each person has a certain love language that is specific to their personality and figuring out what your spouses love language is is the first step to finding "real love" it is very rare that your spouse will speak the same love language as you so figuring this out is key.

Upon learning more about these different love languages I found that my husbands love language is "Words of Affirmation". I realized that I have failed to speak his love language to him and so his love tank isn't even close to full. He loves to be told how proud I am of him for doing all this things he does for me and our family, he wants to hear how grateful I am of the life we have built together. He loves hearing me tell him what a wonderful father he is to our kids and how grateful I am to have such a hard working husband who not only farms on his own farm but will also pick up jobs for extra money and who is also a volunteer fire fighter on top of all that.

I haven't told him how proud I am of him enough. I feel like he should already know this. However, because this is his love language, he cant hear this enough. Telling him this stuff regularly will help fill up his love tank making him feel appreciated and in turn will make us a happier couple.

I also learned that my love language is "Quality Time". I crave the quality time with him. To him quality time is sitting on our phones or watching netflix together but to me that doesn't fill up my love tank. For someone who speaks the same love language as me, we crave time together that includes going places together and communicating face to face without a phone in hand and actually making eye contact the whole time. Doing things together such as going for walks, going on trips even if that just means in the same vehicle while jamming to some country music, going out to eat or on a date somewhere WITHOUT constantly looking at our phone and having a real conversation. This is how my love tank is filled. I am a much happier and better wife and mom to my 3 children when my tank is full.

So this year my goal is to try and speak his love language more and fall back in love with my husband.

If you are struggling with loving your spouse but not actually being IN LOVE with them anymore. I challenge you to read this book. I have not finished it yet but so far I am loving it and I am excited to put these tips to good use. I truly believe that this book is whats going to get us back to where we need to be to make this marriage last. Today I am CHOOSING to learn how to love him again, not in the illusive "in love" way but in the real "real love" way.